Is it Sexism or Wiring?

Is the man in your life ‘spicy or just another minion for the patriarchy?

Sometimes I feel like I’m sticking my neck out as I sit on a sympathetic perch in a space where many writers on household labor and equity are completely out of patience with men. But I write about neurospicy housekeeping, and I know that we need solutions and support so we can be accountable, regardless of gender or reputation. We can open up the conversation on household equity to include neurodiversity.

Is your hubs kicking back, benefitting from the long arm of the patriarchy while you run yourself ragged? Or is it just executive function issues? Or, maybe it was nurture? It’s probably a combination of all three.

While my systems can create a more equitable home for ‘spicy people, they can’t solve sexism for men who are beyond repair. These guys will utilize weaponized incompetence, dig their heels in in defiance, and say some really mean things. Some of my setups may make sexism a little easier to contend with, but my housekeeping advice is meant to create a more equitable division of labor with those who are willing to admit there is an imbalance, and who actually want to be better. Sexism is part of the conversation, but it’s not really my area of expertise. My newsletter is meant to help men, women, and their children with housework when the issues have more to do with wiring. Differences in focus, planning, and remembering aren’t reasons to contribute less. They’re just reasons to set up house differently.

Can we cure a sexist husband?

It’s true that a lot of women are opting out. The empty nest divorce is a trend. A recent University of Michigan study shows that husbands create more work for women than their children do. It makes you wonder how early women begin planning their gray divorce. I don’t think opting out entirely is the solution, though I don’t blame anyone who does. The only solution, as far as I can tell, is a societal shift towards valuing housekeeping and childcare as work. In countries where men do a comparable share of the home labor, house work and child care are considered work on par with any day job, and government policies reflect this.

When it isn’t sexism, what is it?

One time, I asked my favorite online mom group if there was something I could put on a cabinet that would make a beeping sound if it wasn’t closed. I’d seen such a device on a door, to prevent drowning accidents. One mom piped up, that if my husband knew how much it bothered me, and he didn’t change, alarms wouldn’t reach the root of the problem.

Hopeless sexists reveal themselves because things won’t improve. However, workable spouses will make changes, and the best will have conversations with you speculating on whether the issue at hand stems from sexist expectations or ADHD, and address it.

I think the biggest indicator of a workable relationship is the ability to have a conversation that doesn’t get mean. We may have to wade through some emotional baggage to get there. Those who were punished for behaviors related to their wiring may react with defensiveness or pain. Even if a thing is said plainly, they may hear an accusatory tone. Trauma reaches through time that way.

Consider the kinds of tasks your partner is good at, and those he’s not so good at. Are there commonalities? Executive function difficulties can be varied. My husband is excellent at managing work, planning, and handling larger everyday tasks like dinner, but, he easily forgets to take his medication. When he misses it, he experiences discomfort when he wakes up. Even this reliable consequence doesn’t make it easier for him to remember. This shows me that he simply has a hard time with initiating tasks that aren’t prompted by other things. It shows up after dinner, when he forgets to push his chair in as he starts to clear the table. Over time, I’ll share how we set up house so that these idiosyncrasies don’t fall on me.

Types of executive function issues I notice

1. Issues with time. Some people experience time differently. They can lose hours in hyperfocus or like me, they may not be aware of what day or month it is. Time may be a very fragmented experience.
2. Issues with planning. In an upcoming article I illustrate how much planning actually goes into taking out the trash, and why I’ve always been terrible at it.
3. Issues with remembering and recall. We can have difficulty remembering events, or recalling information.
4. Issues with motivation or starting. These can be tricky, but there are solutions and workarounds. In some cases where a prompt is needed notes can be effective.

Do you experience some of these? Does it seem like your partner or your child does? Keep in mind, children are still learning. Still, if we notice what they have difficulty with now, we can help them practice these skills or learn to work with their wiring now. Next week, we’ll talk about things we can do at home to build executive function skills, no matter where we’re at.

Friday’s newsletter

For the next few weeks, the paid newsletter will share a serialized version of my essay How to be deaf, about my experience growing up as a “hearing impaired” kid and as a deaf/hard of hearing adult.